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Friday, May 16, 2008

Off Season Regimine for the Jazz

Great season with good progress from the keystone (D-Will) from the Jazz. The team need to try and improve this off season and so here is a list for the Jazz to implement in the offseason.

Team Goals
1. Trade Kirilenko and get something even if it is an expiring contract and draft picks. He is not improving and is actually getting worse. He is the most over-paid player in the NBA. I believe it was Fortune magazine that published the most over-paid athletes and he was at the top of the list for the NBA. Normally as a Jazz fan I would try and justify the contract and look at him in blue colored glasses, but I can't and I won't. He needs to get dealt to a lottery team that he can be the man like he thinks he is. He is just one of those players that does not get it. He has not improved since his rookie year and he won't. This should have been the year for huge strides, he is in his prime. Instead, AK has settled into a malcontent that only brings distraction and pulls at the heart strings of fans with occasional good games. He is done, get what you can for him and move him. The Jazz have Milsap, Miles and Korver to take his place and I think they can fill his shoes and more.
2. Get rid of Hart and Collins and develop Almond and Fesinko (spelling). Fez really could become a force and Morris can light it up from deep with a little confidence. If the Jazz have Fez develop into an inside force to alternate with Okurs outside game and sub in for Boozer, that is a good front line. Have Morris back up Brewer and become a Vinnie Johnson/Eddie Johnson 6th man that comes in and gives the Jazz a boost. At three you have the trio listed above with Milsap starting and bringing the energy. Then you have price and Williams at point. I believe this lineup gives the Jazz the best chance to win. You still have Harpring as well to come in and bang around like a pinball and piss opposing players off.

These are the team goals, now I will break out player by player goals.

D-Will
He does not have a lot to improve on. I would suggest that he spend a summer in Utah learning to fly-fish and mountain bike. My biggest fear is that he bails on the Jazz in hopes of greater exposure in a bigger market. If we can get him to fall in love with Utah that would be great. I hope all of the honeys in the bars give him lots of love and that the state legislature changes the liquor laws for him to import good stuff. Also, I think he needs to a hollywood hair stylist to change his hair-do. His hair may be the ugliest in the league and he needs to realize that it just isn't Utah that holds back his endorsements, but that he is an ugly mofo and advertisers are afraid he may scare young children. I love D-Will and believe he is the heart and soul of the future, KEEP HIM HAPPY. One more thing, Larry Miller should give him a car dealership.

Ronnie Brewer
He needs to go to the Jeff Horny school of shooting and re-break that damn arm so he doesn't rival Shawn Marion for the ugliest shot in the NBA. He also needs to move in with Bruce Bowen and go to his school of dirty basketball. If he can learn to play defense, he has all the physical gifts to be a special defender. The NBA is full of 2 guards that light it up and it is funny that every year they light the Jazz up for 50 points. This is nothing new, it has happened for years and I would love to see them finally get that stopper they so desperately need. Bowen can teach him all the dirty little tricks from stepping on peoples heels to under-cutting to flopping lessons. He could become the defensive man. Jerry Sloan could then play him 35 minutes a game instead of 22 mins.

Paul Milsap (New Starting 3)
This man is a beast and has all the tools to be an all-star. He defends, he scores and he is the energy player for the team. I would suggest that he goes to the United Nations and learn diplomacy. He struggles with foul trouble at times and I think if he could work on the refs a little better he could improve dramatically. He also needs to take Jiu-Jitsu to beat Carlos Boozers ass for his practical jokes and for taking advantage of his humble personality. I have heard that he gets a lot of grief for his naivity. Other than that, I would love to see him get the minutes.

Carlos Boozer
Ok, he has shown brillance for most of the year. He was a stud and led the Jazz in scoring. He is great with both hands. However that being said he choked horribly in the playoffs. He played 1 good game in 12 post season games. I can not describe how disappointed I have been in his performance. His instructions for the offseason is to hang out with some navy seals and learn what real pressure is. He also should do yoga and learn to relax his rectal sphincter muscle so he can play in crunch time. He can do it, he just needs to. He should also get a tanning pass because he is pasty, I have more color than he does. I could give a hundred other suggestions, but he just needs to bring it.

Memo
He has been money in the latter part of this year up until game 6 against the Lakers. Nobody can bring it every night unless your name is Kobe or King James. He needs to grow his hair out so he can look like other great foreigners in the league. He also need to go hang out with Shaq and learn how to play muscle ball. He is an amazing player in clutch and just needs to learn to play with his back to the hoop. He could also go to heavy metal concerts and go in mosh pits which will help with his intestinal fortitude.

Price
Hang out with D-Will, enough said.

Almond
Learn self-hypnosis and hypnotize yourself every game and convince yourself that it is the D-League that you are playing in and drop 50.

Korver
Hang out with Kutcher and sneak a few peeks at Demi, has there ever been a woman in her mid 40s that is so hot? If he can go to the olympics and hang out with the track and field guys to improve his athletism that would be great. He is what he is and that is danger, danger...

Miles
Give Sloan a nice MANssage. You need to get some more PT. I really think you have some great skills and I would like to see what you can bring.

Harpring
Go hang out with the million dollar man or whatever that bionic man was called. Get your knees healthy and keep doing what you do. Get some R&R and lots of lovin from the wifey, you deserve it.

Fez
Just keep being the big lovable goof ball that you are.

AK 47
Have fun in France, you hit some big threes at the end of the game 6. You did just enough for the fans to fall in love with you again. I personally hope you go and run for political office in France and decide to forego your max contract. If you do go back you need to go hang out with Jerome Bettis and learn to hold on to the damn ball. Or if you could go see what Greg Ostertag is up to and ask him why he had better hands than you that could work as well. You may also want to read some books on emotional IQ and see if you can get over yourself and see yourself for what you are. If you come back, come back with a good attitude, avoid controversy i.e. getting vacation visas instead of practicing for game 6. Just live up to expectations!!!

For the Jazz the last thing is to beat the crappy teams in the regular season. Just think if you would have won half the games you lost that you should have won.... You would have been a one seed and you would have beat the lakers in a seven game series. Bring it every night!!!! I wish it wasn't over but it is. Good job, you have kept my passion.

13 comments:

Fat One said...

I almost forgot the most important piece Jerry Sloan, you are the best coach around and get more out of less than any coach in history. Go drink some Natural Light and Keystone, drive your tractor and come back for another ten years.

SittinDeadRed said...

Great post. I couldn't agree more.

I think the Jazz have a good core of guys that will just continue to improve. As young as they are, if the organization can keep them together they have the potential to be very good.

I don't think they are quite championship material? A little more experience and possibly a personnel change somewhere in there and they very well could be.

Who would I get rid of? I would drop AK as well. He is a distraction and most definitely is not worth the money being paid to him. He shows signs of greatness, but most of the time he plays well below his abilities.

Booz choked in the playoffs. No doubt about it. He's young as well though and will just get better with time. At least we hope. I think we will witness him redeem himself someday down the road.

It sucks the season is over. Football can't come soon enough. What do we talk about in the meantime?

What's your neighbors name? :)

Fat One said...

Her name is Tiffany, but supposedly, someone told me, um that her so called stage name is mandiray.com. I don't know though, not into that kind of thing. My wife verified it for me

SittinDeadRed said...

Yeah I bet.

Didn't you learn anything from the Secret Agent. When I put that silly little smiley face at the end of my sentence it is suppose to mean sarcasm.

I didn't really want her name.

Mandiray huh? I'll have to get my wife to verify that. ;)

SittinDeadRed said...

Isn't your wife named Tiffany?

Fat One said...

um... yes it is, mere coincidence...

LUNCH BOX said...

and aloha means good bye...
well fellas, another season has come to an end for the jazz dancers. while i did in fact predict the lakers in 6, i must admit i'm somewhat disappointed i won't have any jazz fans to talk trash to anymore. good luck with your off-season analysis. have you thought about bringing kelly tripucka out of retirement? ac green?? manute??? one of these guys might be just the piece of the puzzle you're looking for. catch you next season.

el chinote

Agent_Scarn said...

About 3 months ago I totally bought into the argument that the Jazz will get better with time. Although that may be true the argument lost all credibility when David Stern and the NBA approved the Kwame Brown for Pau Gasol trade. Probably one of the most ridiculous trades in NBA history. Lets just hand the lakers a title on a platter. Now you you have an overpowered Lakers team that is going to have Andrew Bynum coming back next season to join them which will make them that much more dominant. I hate the Lakers, always have and always will but they are the team to beat in the west for years to come. Here's my point, even if we get better over the next 3-5 years we have serious problems I think with keeping D-Will happy in Utah and competing with the Lakers. Oh, and if the Rockets ever get a decent backup for Yao so they can save him for the playoffs they are going to be a force that the Jazz probably won't beat unless they improve their front line.

Agent_Scarn said...

Oh and for what we're going to do for the next 3 months until football season. Well, there's always Adams neighbors webpage. Keeps me entertained :-)

SittinDeadRed said...

Well, at least LB won't be back until next season. That's good news huh? The only thing worse than the Lakers is their obnoxious fans.

Who invited that D-bag on here anyways? ;-)

Tikes said...

I think the Jazz should trade Boozer and Okur to get some athleticism and competitiveness on the front line. Odom destroyed them both. Okur is a female, and Boozer is more worried about his gum, his goatie, and rubbing the ball down after foul shots than he is actually being aggressive and wanting to win. He is perfectly happy congratulating others as he heads home. I thought Brewer was awesome, but Deron needs someone athletic to run the pick and roll with. I am fed up with fadeaway jumpers and layups from Boozer. Dunk the ball already. Dude is like 6'10" 295 and can't/won't dunk it. Can you say afraid? Memo is without a doubt the worst defender in the NBA AND the slowest. Nice attempt at a flop foul call instead of going up to get the rebound that Pau Gasolgot. If you would have tried to get the ball rather than have the refs bail you out, you would have got it, even with your 2 inch vertical. Memo is like a junior jazz player, loves to shoot the 3, no defense, and no hustle, and absolutely terrible post up game. Great tools for the starting 4/5 on your team.

SittinDeadRed said...

I think everyone shares your frustration with Boozer. The guy plays soft on both sides of the ball. As bad as his offense was in the playoffs his defense was even worse. I still don't know if I am ready to give up on him just yet though.

I like Memo. I think his game had more to do with the turn around of the Jazz at mid season than the addition of Korver. That's not to say he doesn't deserve some criticism. At times he has shown that he can play good defense but he's not real consistent.

I can't stand the flop. Had Memo gone for the ball instead of flopping, he would have got the call if he didn't end up with the rebound.

I think AK is the player to deal. He is coming off of a pretty good year to where the Jazz might get somebody to bite on him. He's not worth the max money the Jazz are giving him.

D-Will no longer shares this team with Booz. It's all his and hopefully he likes it well enough that the Jazz can talk him into staying.

LUNCH BOX said...

whoever tikes is, i'm busting up at his analysis. it was spot on...couldn't have said it better myself. he was right about everything...memo's defense, the unwarranted flop, and boozer's lack of aggression in the paint. peace out fellas.